Amanda I. Clay's Poems

Travesty of parenting (Boston)
By Amanda I. Clay

When reflecting on the hardships of parenting
It's easy in a flash to name off a list a mile long
But the worst of parenthood is not the nasty diapers and chaos!
Not the hugging and holding through a first break up!
It's not even the dreaded "talk" and hormones and attitudes
It's not with the heartache of dreams not completed or the slip ups and drinks and smokes
along the way!
The hardest part of parenting is when you see the twinkling of naïve childlike dreamy
immaturity ripped out of their eyes, gone away!
No parent wants that day when the news comes on and exposes our biggest hoax yet!
This world is evil and painful and sad!
This world has no Fairytales but mostly sinful and bad!
The Santa was a lie but there are so many more things too!
I tried to cover it up and fool you!
I didn't want to tell you that death is always near
I never wanted to explain all the things to fear
I had no nerve to teach you of corruption evil and greed
Those where things I never wanted you to see
I know we are happy on our little piece of earth
Making up a fantasy which did not include hurt!
I'm sorry us parents are liars, we never intended to be
We just wish the world was different for our families

"Travesty of parenting (Boston)," Copyright c 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted April 24, 2013

Don't wait
By Amanda I. Clay

I sit here eyes wanting to close
Loosing my grasp of my soul
Beaten, worn, tired, and frail
But my life must go on going through hell

My legs so sore, pain in my calves
My heart so hurt I can barely get past
The tears welling up within my eyes
My God how hurt Inside
Nobody listens to my cries
Words never heard
My soul dies

I'm exhausted with never a smile on my face
Will this battle ever stop or go away
Will somebody notice me
Just one day
Before I forever slip away

What if I fall asleep
Never waking the next day
With no words to speak
Then will they miss me
Then will they cry
Go back and read my words
With an emptiness Inside?

Will they finally understand what my words say
Would they finally comprehend my burden and pain
Why wait so long
Wait so late
To far gone to fix mistakes

"Don't Wait," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I Clay
Posted March 13, 2013

Till I'm gone
By Amanda I. Clay

I will carry you
Protect you from your peers
I will comfort you
Past your fears
I will be the lamb
And sacrifice my life
To never see another tear from your eye

I will fight the world
No matter how high the cost
I will die so your soul's not lost
I'm your guard that's what mothers do
I will die for you

I get tired
Weary and weak
I want to give up
Barely muster strength to speak
beaten ragged withered and sore
But I shall go till I'm dead
just to see your glow

You shine like the stars
No, you are brighter than the sun
This world is satan
and I will always protect you my son
I will take the names, critics, and threats
I shall fight this battle till my last breath

I will lay down one day
I will be dead and gone
I hope I've done enough
That you can carry on
I hope you're proud and standing tall
Because I died giving you my all!!!

"Till I'm gone," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted March 13, 2013

By Amanda I. Clay

When you go to model act or preform
To put on a persona
Another being is born
Be it music whatever
To get your head in the job
It's a demeanor you take on
Two separate people
one shy and scared
Then the other comes
Such a bad ass with not a care
She's incredibly sure
and never ashamed
As her clothes slip off slowly
With her music blaring
Her confidence she gains
The old her standing there nude
Would shrivel up and die
But no not the new me
It gives me a high
I'm who I always envied
Gorgeous and strong
Chin up shoulders back
Looking at her body you notice nothing wrong
But as lights fade
Music stops
I'm thrown to reality,

Noticing my panties dropped
My face seems haggered
Beat down by life
Oh my god my cellulite
I need to run and hide
My cheeks too chubby
My legs too short
Where did that magnificent
Woman go
I'm not pretty stop saying it
I'm ugly as sin
Don't you see my double chin
I'm nobody special
Nothing that great
I wish that beautiful lady would of stayed

"Persona," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I Clay
Posted February 27, 2013

My sweet onion
By Amanda I. Clay

Oh ok so ill try
Onions seems to make me cry
Cooked onions are the very best
But watch out you'll get bad breath
Nobody likes kisses that stink
So pop a mint when done with your feast!

"My sweet onion," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted February 27, 2013

Editor's Note: This poem is a response to Poetic Challenge # 6

are you ok?
By Amanda I. Clay

Drs always saying lets
Try this and that
Teachers and schools
He's missing to much class
Have any these ass holes thought to ask
Caden are you ok?

Poor boy poked, prodded and tested
Mutilated, cut on and never has he protested
But has even one fucker thought about the pain he suppresses and ask
Caden are you ok?

Sure he has autism but he's not dumb
To all this fucking pain he is not numb
And the assholes who don't visit or come
They just never give a shit to ask
Caden are you ok?

Oh people think he's so cute
Freaking adorable but get this, he's not fucking mute
So you bastards can stop looking with no clue and just ask
Caden are you ok?

He will tell you in his own words
He hates this life hates the earth
His pain is vast and people never heal his hurts
He will tell you he's not ok!

So don't tell me how adorable he is
Don't act like you give a shit
You have not a clue who your reckoning with cause you always over look my fucking kid
Ask him how the hell he feels
Justify his emotions are real
Tell him to speak the things he feels not swallow your shit and take more pills!

"are you ok?," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted February 27, 2013

Laying awake [Explicit]
By Amanda I Clay

I lay at night
Only praying for strength
For tomorrow's fight
Releasing my Rage
Of autisms pain
The raining down of tears
Screw milestones & normal peers
He's fine to me
Can't you fucking see

He dosent need to change
This society is to blame
He's perfect in every way
Say different and ill make you pay

My vision is this
I'm f-n pissed
Why is the world so hard
For us parents and our kids
I have Rage against Autism
Not my son
I have Rage that our government
is so damn dumb

Blow us off
See if that works
It's only our society's future You hurt

Deny there therapies
Deny disability
social security
Deny them medical
Deny them meds
Guess our nation wants them dead
1-88 seems they are screwed
Shit "normal" children
Is now very few
Oh my Rage is fueled
More every day
You best slit my throat
If you Want me to go away

"Laying awake," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted February 27, 2013

Scorned [Explicit]
By Amanda I. Clay

Sometimes the words I use seem offensive or hard to understand.

I speak with Fury and passion for you to try and feel it and comprehend.

Quiet and meek get trampled and overlooked! I'm here to put autism in the

I speak for my son and I speak for their child ! My friends get exhausted like
me after awhile!

I speak what they all feel and too nice to say! I'm not too scared to throw it in
your face!

It's more prevalent then cancer or any disease! But we suffer in silence crying
on our knees!

Your damn pink ribbons tits here and there! Where's the puzzle pieces you
fuckers don't care?!

Oh you will when it's your next born!
Then you'll spend a life time locked up with bitterness and scorned!

I use ugliness to express my Rage
I am Amanda and never going away!

Try to get it, open your mind! Don't spend a life time being fucking blind!

I look like a goddess and speak like beast! Autism's relentless burden fuels the
fire in me!

"Scorned," Copyright c 2013 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted Feburary 27, 2013

Grrrr cleaning
By Amanda I. Clay

Oh to clean
It's no dream
Things strewn about
By human beings
Little kids
Make such a big mess
This must be a parenting test
My patience gone
My body tired
I need one of those maids
To hire
I redo it everyday
I'm starting to wonder
The point of a bed being made
Grrr to clean
Not a joy
Not at all when your a parent of two little boys

"Grrrr cleaning," Copyrigh c 2013 by Amanda I Clay
Posted January 3, 2013

Adam (sandy hook)
By Amanda I. Clay

Adam was a name now known
Cast as evil in every home
It rips me apart and so I cry
Of course it kills me these babies died
But I'm a mom and of a special needs son and to Autism this world is dumb
More rampant than cancer diabetes and other diseases too
but too many of this world have not a clue
Don't judge Adam don't judge his sin look at yourself deep within
Statements made loner and shy
Autism made him that type of guy
He was not crazy or weird
More like hurt and scorned
His destiny wrote the day he was born
Look at your statements hear your words most of it is so absurd
Who are you to say this shit
He was a heartbroken hurt little kid
Don't judge a boy damn his mom
She's the reason all these souls are gone
But shut the fuck up before you speak
For you're no better you judgmental beasts

"Adam (sandy hook)," Copyright © 2013 by Amanda I Clay
Posted January 3, 2013

Diva's song!
By Amanda I. Clay

My little girl what a Hotmess
Busy little Diva gives us little rest
15 outfits in just one day
People always said if I had a girl there's hell to pay!
But then on the flip side she lights up a room
Oh boy, when she's older the guys will swoon
She's a pistol like her momma and sweet like her dad
She will be spectacular with a mixture like that
Prettier then me head strong and mean
Jesus help me she's only 3!

"Diva's song," Copyright 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted December 31, 2012

By Amanda I. Clay

Twenty twelve what a fight
You torched my fucking house one night!
We got to stand there and watch our lives in flames leaving my kids to cry in
horrible pain
Lets see twenty twelve hmmm what else did you do oh yes get me harassed by
our government cause I told a doctor fuck you
Just another example of autism dictating my life but fuck twisted government
fuck cops and doctors this bitch never backs away from a fight
2012 f-n year you can kiss my ass for this year never did I learn tact or more
class! You added angst to my fury and fueled my fame 2013 my Rage will reign

"2012," Copyright 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted December 31, 2012

2011 (old poem)
By Amanda I. Clay

Today I thought I would write for the New year.
Just say good bye to all my fears!
This year has hurt me, beat me down.
2011 tried to kill my husband and child!

This year fucked my spirit and raped my soul.
With nowhere to hide, nowhere to go!
Fuck you 2011 for what you've done to me!
In this next year I want piece and serenity.
I shed tears on the paper as I write my words.
This year can not leave me soon enough.
I will be happy tonight as the clock strikes twelve.
Telling this year to go to hell!
I will crawl in bed with my husband and love him through the night.
With a dawn of a new year that I pray needs less fight!!!!!!

"2011 (old poem)," Copyright 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted December 31, 2012

Sandy Hook Angels
By Amanda I. Clay

I have little children 11,9,3
so the thought of Sandy Hook school knocks the wind from me!
28 gone 20 wee little tots
Is the world's humanity lost?
40 glassy eyes full of dreams
of the holiday season and what it may bring!

Toted to school by mom and dad
with not a worry of anything bad!
Parents go to work
the world carried on
till our breath was taken and we heard they were gone!

Evil entered that morning storming the doors
for the life of me I don't know what for!
It pulled out a gun and proceeded its task
How looking into there eyes it still committed this act?

20 tiny beings lept out of this world
straight to the heavens to witness our hell
They sit there with angel wings watching over their families
20 families' souls taken away,
left heartbroken and destroyed to remember every Christmas holiday.

They are protected in heaven wrapped in God's love
How can we here learn to carry on?
A country left weeping left in such Rage
what can we do without getting carried away?
I don't know the answer none of us do
take away all rights and guns too?

I look towards the Bible which I seldom do
for insight perhaps or a clue.
There will always be hurt and always be pain
but God will lead you through Hell
if you take his hand.

Seems hard to imagine and hard to accept
but sadness just burdens us leaving upset!
Turmoil is all that's left behind
panic and fear leaves our nation blind.

There's something to learn
something to hear
if we hush,
listen and get past the tears.

Humanity is the key
why don't we see!
Take back our families!
Turn off the noise
hold their hand
damn it dads - hugging your kids makes you no less a man.

Moms still be meek quiet reserved
little less liberated surely can't hurt.
Don't you remember the way it all use to be
that's the problem with society!

Smart this and that phones and TVs come on
those things posses no love you see!
Get back to the basics
back to God's plan
stop destroying ourselves
and it wont get so out of hand!

"Sandy Hook Angels," Copyright © 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted December 24, 2012

Life lessons [Explicit]
By Amanda I. Clay

All people are here
sent with a purpose
strength comes knowing
there's angels among us

it don't matter nationality
God made them, you, and me

Christian, Jew, Muslim
who are you to judge
in their veins we are all the same blood.

Fear will suffocate you
it smothers your soul

Carry yourself with pride
wherever you may go

don't be afraid
of what you don't understand
that's kinda the point, that's the plan.

I know I'm special
duh, hello
I got a fierce beast of a soul

know what it is
to be here on this earth

stop with the whining and bitching
open your eyes to the shit your missing

shut the fuck up if nothing nice to say
burn in hell if you can only see shit your way.

Have you ever noticed evil don't die
that's why the bastards are still alive.

Go forth with knowledge or keep being dumb

but then you will be fucked when your end comes


"Life lessons," Copyright © 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted November 16, 2012

Fight Back
By Amanda I. Clay

Everything in life is a dance
by chance
Walk into a room with such stance
eyes have no choice but to be on you in a trance

Life is all about circumstance
Don't waiver on your worth
Bitches I own this, man!

Damn it why are so many so week
fuck authority they are no better than me.
oh ok gossip about playboy wait and see
you and the Mrs. will get a
autographed Christmas gift from me :-)

You cant knock me down I know my strength
I never feel there is anyone better than me.
I don't judge I love no matter shape or condition
You care not to know me you don't know
what you're missing.

I'm open to all don't care what you think
rot in hell you bible thumping hypocrites
your no damn saint

I know who I am nothing wrong with that
I pray all can learn self assurance and begin to fight back.

"Fight Back," Copyright © 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted November 16, 2012

[Contradictory Me]
By Amanda I. Clay

I have a tendency to be spastic
A little dramatic!

I can be beautiful
Everything in between!

It's not simple
Being me what you get is not what you see!

I can be dignified
Wild and dirty

I can be crazy

Who am I?
I'm me
Sometimes I hate me
Most times I don't

Grew up with boys so I can be nasty
But with my potty mouth
I look hot and classy!

Huh who am I let me see
Oh Amanda
Shy, confident, insecure, happy, sappy, remarkable me!!!

"[Contradictory me]," Copyright © 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted November 16, 2012

[Damn cellulite]
By Amanda I. Clay

Oh you damn cellulite why put up such a fight!
They say God makes no mistakes, I disagree!
He forgot which cheeks dimples are supposed to be!
Squats and lunge all dang day,
That crap just wants to stay!
Screw it whatever I don't care,
I'm wearing my shortie shorts even if it's there !
So if you see me walk past stare at my face, cause on the rear it's there it
ain't going away!!

"[Damn Cellulite]," Copyright © by Amanda I. Clay
Written July 30, 2012
Posted November 16. 2012

A Soldier's Soul
By Amanda I. Clay

I couldn't sleep last night
thinking of you and Mike.

We live here in our little worlds, blissfully ignorant
thinking we are free.
Worried bout our bull shit and what others think of me.

But you both have seen the depths of Hell,
asking repeatedly to return to the battle fields.

I am humbled by my stupidity,
what you and your friends did for me.
You gave your life, your mind, and soul
so I never have to let my freedoms go.

I'm so sorry for all the friends
you probably lost along the way
who's faces and smiles were in your mind everyday.

I'm the crappiest citizen
cause I'm too much a coward
to live through what you two must have.

Bless your soul and ease your heart,
you are with your friends and fellow soldiers


Author's note: For Christopher Goski

"A Soldier's Soul," Copyright © 2012 by Amanda I. Clay
Posted June 13, 2012

Autism's Emotional Hurricane (Explicit)
By: Amanda I. Clay

What I don't get God is I was already kind and soft hearted! So why did you give me this pain?

Why didn't you curse that bitch over there, the one with the with the glare, making my blood boil in my vains!

Why you curse me and what the hell did my kids ever do so you damn them too, to this life of pain! 

I get so mad God so Fucking mad I want to tell you to shove this Autism right up your Ass! My bitterness and self pity reigns! 

I back down God all withered and worn I cry oh how I cry, when I look at his mouth slightly gaped in a daze!

He's so beautiful so Fucking beautiful when he's older will any woman give him the time of day,

Will he ever feel the touch of a wife's love or holding the baby he made?

Who knows probably not. Damn you God, the day he was born you ripped that away!

This Fucking Autism I hate Fucking Autism, what a mean fuccking up horrible isolating plague to have made!

Cancer ain't shit compared to this! There is nothing to treat cure or take away!

I just don't understand why you don't quit this, man? Stop this disease today! 

You help us create new life put them on earth to suck souls and voices away?!

How can u have faith? I don't know how to have faith, I don't want to have faith, I got tired of faith, pissed at the disappointment of faith, sick of faith, done with faith! So fucking done with faith! 

My middle baby sits alone, plays alone, gets invited by no children no where! 
He trusts every bitch and asshole on this earth! The other shit kids can beat his ass and he will cry and call them his friend with just a confused stare!
You can disappoint him over and over again, invite him over and not follow through or let him in!
You can beat him, abuse him, scream, hurt him and he have not a clue what evil is!
But this didn't just hurt me or him, what about my other kids! 
This shit consumes every waking moment of every fucking day all day everyday!
This commotion, this ride, this emotional hurricane!

Do you want to feel what it's like?
By: Amanda I. Clay
Do you want to feel what it's like? Do you? 
Do you wanna see it through my son's eyes? Do you? 
Put a straight jacket on, then cut off your tongue! Does that feel good to you?

Have your thoughts go 100miles an hour. Enough rambling dreams and ideas to fill up Sears tower! 

Have your body move though you want to rest! Have your hands flap while your heavy eyes want to nap!

Does that sound fun? Well does it?

Does that sound like you want it?

Go butt naked and vulnerable in public !
Now see those people glare, do you love it?

Now imagine being alone, with not a single solitary friend to ever call your own! Understand you will never fall in-love, never feel in a lifetime a soft sensual touch. 

Come on it sounds like a ball, like no big problem at all!
Makes you happy this was just pretend doesn't it?

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